As I’m sure all of you are aware, today is a sad day.
Today marks David Zachariah Eddie Murphy Spinning Wheel Collins’ final day with us here at moneysupermarket.com.
Dave has been a member of the team for longer than many of us, so long in fact that drawings of what are believed to be his first day here have been found etched on cave walls as far away as Broughton, and when members of staff are asked about his early days with the business, the usual story of Dave’s first day is either that he congealed in one of the drains, arrived when the building was built due to a mix-up by a delivery company (labelled as a toilet u-bend), or simply that the building exists purely in Dave’s mind, and when he leaves the entire company will slowly sink into nonexistence, as it is revealed that although it is little more than one of Dave’s dreams, Dave is little more than the dream of an old grey cat, sleeping next to the fire after a belly full of fish.
During Dave’s time, he has contributed much to the group, including the owning and maintaining of a beard (and the subsequent removal of, then growing back), being quite tall, and successfully keeping chewing gum stocks artificially low in order to create greater demand at the suppliers, a move which the local co-ops loved him dearly for.
Dave’s most interesting discovery, however, came from one of his many voyages to the new world. He set out in his trusty vessel the HMS Fo-Kuss, and returned some time later (having got lost in a strange land known only as Kwinz-Fairee) with great stories of a giant building in which many of the indigenous tribes of Kwinz-Fairee took shelter. Inside, all manner of strange and wondrous foods could be found, including something that caught Dave’s eye in particular. The people around him referred to the substance as “Tsellee”, but Dave was having none of that and decided to call it Jelly.
When Dave returned, it was to great fanfare. He paraded this strange substance (wobbly and solid, but tasty and quick to turn to liquid) throughout the town, eventually marrying his love, Michelle-Wadetta. The pair lived harmoniously for years, before Michelle’s burning love for the more handsome (as well as more manly, brave and dashing) Chris Spann could be contained no more, who swept the young harridan away, her loins throbbing and her bosom heaving, on a huge black horse to the rich and colourful kingdom of Mold.
Dave was mortified, and cried for so long that he flooded the entire kingdom in which he lived. He eventually realised that Michelle wasn’t that fit anyway, and soon set sail in a small rowing boat, sailing the seas of tears which he himself had cried (and also writing travel articles about it). On his journeys, he met a wise but quarrelsome pair of wizards called Chrismentar and Jaitanga, who taught him many things, including how to kill a man with a piece of paper and a rude word, not to eat yellow snow, and the difference between a toad and a frog.
Dave did eventually return, making his peace with Michelle-Wadetta and Lord Spann, who by this point had 85 children (Chris sneezed, and the residual manliness had caused pregnancies across the land), a golden unicorn and a bed made out of money, and lived life as a peculiar but respected hermit in a ditch near Ellesmere Port. However, Dave’s mind, bolstered and enriched by the teachings of the wizards, was now bored by this physical world in which we inhabit, and as such the Jell-y Llama as he is now known, took the brave and ultimate decision to become one with the planet and leave us.
Dave will be sorely missed, but know that whenever you eat chilled water and gluten, or have slightly less chewing gum than you think you do, Dave is smiling down upon you.
Now, if you’d like to hold hands, we will sing Hymn 39, by Shakespeare’s Sister:
If this world is wearing thin
And you're thinking of escape
I'll go anywhere with you
Just wrap me up in chains
But if you try to go alone
Don't think I'll understand
Stay with me
Stay with me
In the silence of your room
In the darkness of your dreams
You must only think of me
There can be no in between
When your pride is on the floor
I'll make you beg for more
Stay with me
Stay with me
You'd better hope and pray
That you make it safe
Back to your own world
You'd better hope and pray
That you'll wake one day
In your own world
Coz when you sleep at night
They don't hear your cries
In your own world
Only time will tell
If you can break the spell
Back in your own world
Stay with me
Stay with me
Stay, stay with me
Stay, stay, stay, stay, stay
Stay with me
